Monday started with a huge glass of sea-salt in tepid water. I’m not sure if it was my water-quality or an effect of the sodium but the lukewarm water had a slimy and filmy quality, contrasting all too sharply with the sudden spill of salt that dumped into my mouth at the end. Monday was supposed to end with a mug of herbal laxative tea, the only cup of tea I was allowed each day. In between were lemons, cayenne pepper, lemons, and more lukewarm water.
I’d decided to start a cleanse. This is not out of the ordinary for me. What’s even more common than my sporadic desires to purge my body of all my mistreatment is the fact that I always waiver on the very first day. Monday did not end with a tea to make me shit out maple syrup nor did it end it with my crying of hunger. Instead, I was crying of frustration. I took about two liters of my “lemonade”to work with me and came home at 4 pm feeling satisfied, even a bit smug. It was so easy; I wasn’t even hungry. The worst part is that I wasn’t even hungry. My mind, like always, started talking me out of it and I went from wondering if I should venture out in the rain for laxative tea to feeling determined to go so that I could buy salmon because suddenly, I was over the master cleanse. I left the house, no longer determined to give up eating for the next ten days but instead to just eat incredibly healthy detox meals. Then I got to Carrefour and reasoned that I should probably binge because I could start my detox the following day. i probably shouldn’t tell you about everything I ate over the weekend preceding my ten days of the master cleanse that never happened.
This is a pattern of mine. It was exhausting to write and although I like to ignore these truths, it is far, far worse on my body. Now, I’m trying a new approach. Believing that I am ok and that I don’t need to do anything extreme. I want to stop fearing how fat I will get from eating a piece of cake and then binging on the entire thing (with a bowl of ice cream). I’m even reading a Gwyneth Paltrow endorsed book by Dr. Habib Sadeghi.. and the weirdest part is that I’m actually enjoying it! I’ve known that my battles with food have been emotional for a long time. It really only makes sense that instead of using diets and exercise to make myself feel temporarily better that I try a different approach and heal myself from the inside out. Here’s to hoping it works.